If you have a loved one struggling with addiction, you’ve likely received advice, solicited or unsolicited, recommending “tough love.” Unconditional love or genuine affection is the cornerstone of this approach and, in theory, provides a constructive framework for creating safe and healthy boundaries. However, practicing tough love can be somewhat problematic, particularly when used in the treatment of certain medical disorders, such as alcohol or drug addiction.
What is the tough love theory?
The term tough love was introduced in a book of the same name by Bill Milliken, published in 1968. In basic terms, tough love is the act of withholding various forms of support from a loved one when they indulge in self-destructive behaviors. This approach asserts that these consequences will serve to deter the addict from their wrongdoing. For example, genuinely concerned parents refuse to financially support their drug-addicted son until he enters a drug treatment program.
Proponents of the tough love approach believe that cutting off resources, support, or contact will prompt your loved one to change their behavior. However, this approach can be problematic, especially when it comes to a medical illness like a substance use disorder, which alters a person’s physical and mental health and makes abrupt behavior change very difficult.
Why is setting boundaries important in recovery?
During active addiction, boundaries are often blurred or non-existent. Addiction takes over a person’s life and causes them to prioritize the substances above all else, and the addicted loved one often damages relationships with their family. Recovery is a new frontier for them, and they may feel guilty or fearful of their new, substance-free world.
Setting healthy boundaries helps everyone feel safe, and it’s crucial to the recovery process for these reasons:
- Sets limits to protect long-term recovery by avoiding triggers and behaviors that could lead to relapse
- Establishes healthy relationships by clearly communicating needs
- Prevents misunderstandings and conflicts
- Promotes self-care, which is essential for sustained recovery
- Boosts feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence.
- Creates a supportive recovery community
What does tough love mean in a relationship?
Tough love work in relationships can be daunting, but it’s also necessary for personal growth and emotional well-being for both partners involved. In a healthy relationship dynamic, each person recognizes a reciprocal, or “give and take,” balance for their connection to thrive. But what if you mostly, or only, “give” in your relationship, and your partner “takes”? Codependent relationships are highly destructive to the addict because they further enable their drug or alcohol addiction.
Tough love is mainly rooted in self-advocacy. By communicating your needs to a partner dealing with addiction, you can pave the road for deeper understanding and intimacy with them.
Here are some helpful tips:
- Self-advocate when there is mistreatment
- Be honest and directly communicate your needs
- Be receptive to constructive feedback
- Focus on the negative behaviors, not the person
- Maintain empathy and compassion
How do you set boundaries with a mentally unstable person?
Boundary setting is an important but challenging part of self-care when a loved one is living with a mental illness. Establishing boundaries is a process, so take your time and look for small ways to begin. Here are some tips to help you get started:
Level of Support
Decide what level of support you can realistically provide, including limits to protect yourself from unacceptable behavior.
Family Conversation
Convene regular family meetings to discuss current, emerging, or foreseeable issues. Create an environment of compassion, and encourage family members to communicate individual needs.
Personal Talks
Have regular, one-on-one conversations with your loved one. This provides them with opportunities to communicate needs and concerns and develop healthy communication and self-advocacy skills.
Communication Expectations
Discuss and establish basic rules for constructive communication. It is important to have a clear understanding of what everybody needs, wants, or expects. Record these rules and keep them in an accessible location.
What are examples of boundaries for a recovering addict?
The struggle with substance abuse takes a toll on relationships and creates significant damage. During recovery, the relationship between the recovering addict and their family members requires rebuilding. Consequences are key to reestablishing trust and creating a safe environment for everyone. It’s important to communicate certain conditions in the event of a relapse.
Some of these may include:
- Refusing to loan them money
- Refusing to lie on their behalf
- Not allowing drugs or alcohol in your home
- Letting them live with you only if they’re clean and sober
- Zero tolerance for abusive or manipulative behavior
- Refusing to drive them if their license is suspended
Addiction Recovery in New York City at Fifth Avenue Psychiatry
At Fifth Avenue Psychiatry, we provide evidence-based therapy for addiction recovery in a private and confidential space without disrupting our clients’ professional lives. We are a team of highly trained psychologists and psychiatrists who are committed to providing the highest quality of care.
Call us today, and we will design a personalized program just for you.
